‘Forty years ago, I experienced severe postnatal depression – why are other women still suffering?’

Jean McIntosh reflects on her experiences in the hope that others will be inspired by her recovery and advocate for themselves

I was delighted when I became pregnant when I was 30 years old – my husband Keith and I had always wanted a family. But when I gave birth to Iain on Christmas Day in 1982, it was a traumatic experience – it was a quick birth and I had him breach as there was no time for a Caesarean.

As soon as he arrived, I felt strange. I was uncomfortable because of the birth and I stayed in hospital for a week, but I felt detached from what was going on around me. I wasn’t me anymore, I felt as if I was inside my body looking out.

When I went home, I was abnormally anxious and panicky and would cry most of the time. My sister Anne and my parents lived nearby so they came around every day. This time is very grey, but I saw my doctor and a psychiatrist came to the house. Everyone was looking for a logical reason for me being so ill.

I had no prior history of depression or mental health issues, nor any hormonal issues. Like most women, I got the odd mood swing before my period but no anxiety or depression, so this really hit me like a train.

I was prescribed antidepressants and tranquilisers, and was told to take the diazepam whenever I felt anxious and in a panic, which was most of the time. I didn’t sleep, which exacerbated the problem.

I remember trying to give Iain away to my sister and convince her that he would be better off with her. I thought if I didn’t have him anymore, I would be well again. At no point did I ever think about harming him. I was a good mother but I don’t think I loved and bonded with him for a long while. I wanted to run from everything.

My husband and my sister decided that I should go into hospital. There was a psychiatric unit at to our local hospital with a mother and baby unit. I considered suicide as carrying on feeling as I did day after day was awful. Thankfully, I talked to my husband about my thoughts.

I remained in hospital for several weeks and the doctors suggested that I have electric shock therapy. However, a friend of a friend had visited me in hospital as she had been through a similar experience – she’d had electric shock treatment and told me ‘Whatever happens, don’t have electric shock therapy as I’ve got patches of my life that I can’t remember.’ That frightened the life out of me, as did seeing people go into the ward for the electric shock treatment – it was horrific, like something from the Dark Age.

When I went home, I had a lot of support and a friend suggested I see Dr Katharina Dalton, a pioneer in postnatal depression and PMS. I was worried about mixing doctors and treatments but when I spoke to my GP, she said of Dr Dalton ‘If anyone can help you, she can’.

A few weeks later we saw Dr Dalton at her practice in Harley Street and it was a revelation. She explained why I was ill, and it was simple – my body could not adjust to the total loss of hormones when I had Iain.

She prescribed Cyclogest 400, a progesterone pessary, and I had to complete a chart each day tracking how I felt so she could look for patterns. When we returned a few weeks later, she prescribed a larger dose and explained that when my body had sufficient hormones, it would expel the rest. It was totally safe and there were no side effects.

Quite quickly, the cloud began to lift, and I followed Dr Dalton’s instructions to reduce the antidepressants and tranquilisers. She would call me to check up on me and life got back to normal. It was amazing.

If it hadn’t been for Dr Dalton, I would never have had another child, but she reassured me that I wouldn’t be ill again. I got pregnant two years later and just a few weeks before my second child Edward was born, I began to feel ill again. My world came crashing down and I thought oh no, it’s going to happen again. But Dr Dalton simply put me back on the progesterone and I got better.

Straight after I gave birth to Edward, I had a progesterone injection and continued to have one every 10 days. I did not suffer any of the past horrors.

In 1989 I had my third son William and went through the same process with the injections after the birth and I was absolutely fine.

Katharina Dalton was my saviour and a wonderful human being. She did warn me that because I’d been through such a terrible time postnatally, the likelihood was that whenever I went through a hormonal change, such as menopause, I would have problems. Thankfully, this wasn’t the case – I didn’t really notice any great hormonal fluctuations during menopause.

When I had recovered from postnatal depression, I did some counselling for other women who were going through it. I was told that I had to reinforce what the women’s doctors were telling them – most were being prescribed antidepressants and tranquilisers. But I would tell the women about Dr Dalton and tell them to read her book, Depression After Childbirth. I’d tell them if they recognised themselves in the book to go to their GP and ask for progesterone.

I’ve had a lot of time to reflect on my experiences and I feel sad that in 42 years, very little has changed. We’re in the 21st century now, and women are still having a difficult time in childbirth and postnatally, and it’s not good enough. But I hope that women sharing stories and the work of balance can help to now continue to carry the torch.

Would you like to share your experience of perimenopause or menopause? Write to us at shareyourstory@balance-app.com